Reflections on 2011

2011 has been a very interesting year. Looking at many people’s Facebook statuses, it has been tough. Many significant historical events have happened that will influence the future. Now I am thinking about how my life fits into it all. I personally would call this year a year of transition. Thinking back, last January I was taking Play Productions class, playing gotcha, and attempting to finish my Honors Project. I was preparing for my student teaching in China, and I was waiting to hear if I had gotten the job in South Africa. Now these events seem so far away. I honestly do not think about any of them except for student teaching in China. These activities and events seemed so important to me at the time, but I actually had to stop and consciously try to remember what I was doing a year ago. This is a good reminder that the trials that I am currently facing, such as the stresses of being a first year teacher and learning how to live internationally, will soon pass.

As I said earlier, this is a year of transitions. I transitioned from being a college student taking classes to a student teacher to being a first year teacher. I transitioned from the US to China back to the US and lastly back to China. Even though I had been legally an adult for 4-5 years (depending on what part of the year you are looking at), this year I took many steps to becoming a “real” adult. I graduated from college, got my first job, moved to China, and got my first place “on my own” (well sorta, I do have a roommate). These transitions have been relatively easy compared to the transition from one community to another. Graduating from college meant that I left a part of childhood behind, but it also meant leaving my family behind. My college friends are so important to me, and I know that it is hard to keep up with everyone, but it is sad for me to think that we will no longer have Inklings meetings or spend Friday and Saturday nights playing truth. I know that I am in a new community and there are wonderful memories that I will be making here, but change, no matter how good it is, is always hard.

As I look back, settling into my college community was not always easy. My freshman year, there were plenty of Friday and Saturday nights when I sat alone in my room. I generally do not mind alone. In fact coming from a family of six, I generally relish that time. However, when you are in transition, being alone is more difficult. On the other hand, if I spent every second with other people, that would not solve the problem either because I need to learn to be comfortable in a situation, before I can really appreciate either. This is not to say that I am uncomfortable, I am just trying to find my place. I am trying to figure out what it means to be a “real” adult. I am trying to figure out how to be a successful teacher (more on that later). I am trying to figure out how to live internationally. I am trying to figure out how to maintain good relationships with people on the other side of the world without cutting off or discounting relationships here (and vice versa). I am trying to figure out how to let go of relationships that were important to me for a season. I am trying to figure out how to build relationships in a new community. Basically, I have a lot to figure out.

When I graduated from college, I felt like I had a good handle on life. I had wonderful friends/family, I had a job lined up, and I knew what I was going to do with my life. Now I am realizing that I had absolutely no clue. In fact, I am realizing so many things about myself. When you are thrown into a new situation (even if you chose to throw yourself there), you become an exaggerated version of yourself. In this new form, insecurities that you did not realize that you still had sneak out without your permission. In this way, transition is a rather difficult emotional experience. 

As promised earlier, I also want to reflect on my first semester of teaching. I arrived in china the day before school started. I hit the ground running, and the whole semester felt like I was running marathon. Most of the time, it felt like I was sprinting to catch up. I have learned a lot this semester, and mostly I have learned that I have a lot to learn. I have learned that you really need to be tougher at the beginning of the school year. I have been told several times that I am not going to ruin any of my students, but I want to be like some of my high school teachers who inspired me to love literature and to become a teacher. I guess in my idealistic sense I thought that I could do that my first year. Now I am realizing that keeping my head above water is a much better goal (Sorry for mixing metaphors, I suppose I should say something like: my goal should be jogging at a leisurely pace. However, in mind, jogging at any pace sounds like torture. “I only run so that I can eat whatever I want whenever I want.”) Anyways, I made many teaching mistakes my first semester, but I have enjoyed teaching. I have loved building relationships with students, and it is wonderful to see a student learn and be successful. I do not have it figured out, but I have, at least in my own humble opinion, grown as a teacher this year.

Now, I feel like you do not have a very well-rounded view of my time here. Transition is tough, but things are going well. (I keep thinking about Dr. Wilkes’ classes: Innocence, Experience, Reintegration *draw a colorful spiral on the board.) I am enjoying my new life, and I have made wonderful new friends. This has become a home, but it is still freshman year; I am looking forward to being an upperclassman.

Now that I have reflected and droned on and about transition, I suppose that I should come up with a few goals for the next year.

1. I will write more. I want to write at least one blog post a month. I want to write in my prayer journal at least a couple times a week. I want to go to writer’s corner at least 3 times a month. I want to edit my honors project and take some steps towards getting published (even though I am not entirely sure that it is worthy of being published).
2. I want to improve my Chinese. I want to be able to have an actual conversation with someone in Chinese. Something more than I want to go to the store and something less complicated than religious/philosophical/political conversation. Even if it is just a minute long, I would be happy.
3. I want to stay more on top of my school work. I am not sure that I have a concrete task to tie with this goal, but I do not want to spend my second semester feeling like I will drown.