Home

The rainy day seems like a good day for contemplation. I have been wanting to write this blog post for some time, but I haven’t been able to put into words all the emotions that I am feeling.

June 3^rd marks the end of the school year, and while I am ready to not worry about grading any more papers. The end of the school will mean much more than no more grading.

China will be gone for me. I’m not leaving, but the China I know will no longer exist. How can that be possible? China has one the oldest histories of any civilization on the planet. It isn’t just going to disappear. That’s true. The place will be exactly the same.

BUT  

We do not experience life in places; we experience life in people. Places are actually relatively unimportant. The only thing that gives places value or meaning is the people who have been there or who are currently there. When we stay in the same place but people do not, we might as well be moving because the place will not be the same without those people. The place will have changed because the people that we have experienced that place with will not be there to continue to experience that place with us.

This is the most painful aspect of the expat life.

Right now I am grieving because I know that how I experience life here will never be the same. I want to acknowledge that grief. I don’t want to put on a thick skin and say it’s all ok. At the same time, I don’t want to wallow in that grief so much that I miss out on opportunities with other people. My friend Val put it this way, “I don’t ever want to despise the people right before me for not being someone else but instead figure out how to tap into their own unique personhood.”

The truth is that I am losing several friends who have played a significant role in my time here and in my spiritual and personal growth. That is extremely painful.

It is also true that I still do have wonderful friends who will be here next year. Another truth is I came to China without friends, and the Father took care of me. He has put so many people into my life to shape me into the person I am today, and he will continue to do that.

The final truth is that I won’t ever feel completely at home anywhere. I read a book at the beginning of the school year called The Distant Land of my Father by Bo Caldwell. The story is about an American expat girl who is growing up in Shanghai just before WWII. Of course, life for her begins to change as China is invaded. At this point in the book, she says, “My room seemed a foreign place, but the only place I wanted to be. I closed the door softly behind me. I turned out the light and got into bed. And then I lay in the dark holding my stomach, trying to make it stop hurting, trying to understand why I felt so homesick and alone in the only home I’d have ever known.” That feeling of feeling homesick at “home” is very real right now.

I am homesick for a home where I don’t have to say goodbye to friends. Where I won’t feel alone. Where I won’t feel like a foreigner. Where I will always belong. Where I won’t have to be separated from those I love. Where I will always feel at home.

I am homesick for a place that I can’t see, yet I cling to the hope that it is being prepared for us. 

Thoughts on Go Set a Watchman

This blog post will contain spoilers for both Go Set a Watchman and To Kill a Mockingbird.

I would like to begin by saying that To Kill a Mockingbird is one of my favorite novels. I love To Kill a Mockingbird. I have read it probably 7 or 8 times, and I have taught it 6 times. I know the book well and can quote sections of it. This love for To Kill a Mockingbird (which from here on out will be referred to as TKAM) most certainly plays into my interpretation of Go Set a Watchman (which from here on out will be referred to as GSAW). I have now read GSAW twice in an effort to get a full picture of the book and to understand its nuances.

To begin, some people are so outraged with the content of the book that they are demanding refunds. This, to me, is ridiculous. It might not be a perfect sequel, and it might have been a publicity stunt. But as a person with literary interests, I like to see how GSAW evolved into TKAM. My brother put it this way, and I quite agree with him, “We should not think of GSAW as a sequel to TKAM, but rather the unpublished notes of Harper Lee.” When viewing it from this perspective, I can see how Harper Lee took one idea from her original text and turned it into one of the greatest pieces of American Literature.

GSAW is about Jeanne Louise “Scout” Finch going from her New York home back to Maycomb for her annual two-week visit. Scout has trouble reconciling what she sees in Maycomb and more importantly in her father, Atticus Finch, with what she believes is right. Scout asks important questions of growing up such as where is home and how do you reconcile the home of your childhood with adulthood. I could relate to many of the questions that Scout asked.

GSAW has some of the charm of TKAM in the anecdotes from Scout’s childhood. The twenty-six-year-old character of Scout is just as lovable as the six-year-old character in TKAM. Scout still gets herself into scraps and scandals such as swimming with her beau late at night. And Scout still does not dress the part of the lady. Scout is still Scout. She is the most consistent character between the two books.

While Scout’s character is well developed, the other characters are not so. One of the reasons why I love TKAM is because of the character development. The book is bursting with round characters, and even characters who only get a chapter, such as Mrs. Dubose and Dalphus Raymond, play a significant part in developing the themes of the novel. On the other hand, GSAW has much fewer characters, and many of the beloved characters from TKAM do not play a major role in the book. Some are not even mentioned The minor characters are more flat. The reason for this is perhaps the length difference of about 100 pages, and the time-span difference; TKAM takes place over the period of about 3 years while GSAW takes place over the period of about 3 days. Along these lines, the plot of TKAM is far more complex. Yes, it is about the trial of Tom Robinson, but it also about Boo Radley, growing up, class struggles, racial struggles, family struggles and much more. GSAW is about a few of these things, but once again it is not as well developed.

As I mentioned earlier, there are many anecdotes from Scout’s childhood throughout the novel. Maybe I did not read them deeply enough, but I failed to see the point. I understand the point that was trying to be made: Scout can’t live in the present Maycomb she sees; she can only live in her memories of the past. However, this point could have been made with far fewer tangents. This might makes it sound like I did not like them. On the contrary, Harper Lee is an excellent writer, so I found these anecdotes entertaining and enjoyable. I am just saying that they lacked purpose.

Now for the topic that everyone is talking about. Is Atticus a racist? How does that change our reading of TKAM? Before I really address these two questions, I must point out that there are plot inconsistencies with TKAM. Two big ones stood out to me in particular. One is that Atticus has another sister named Caroline. There is a Caroline in TKAM, but she is Scout’s first grade teacher not her Aunt. This one is minor compared to the second. Though the name Tom Robinson does not appear in the book, Scout does think back to the Tom Robinson trial in GSAW, but several important details are changed. 1) Tom Robinson did not lose his arm in a sawmill accident. His hand was maimed in a cotton gin. He had two arms, but his left arm was unusable. 2) Mayella was not 14; she was 18 (I believe). 3) Tom Robinson did not have any relations with Mayella. 4) Atticus did not win an acquittal for Tom Robinson. Tom Robinson was found guilty even though proof of his innocence was quite clear.

Now these inconsistencies might not seem significant, but I would like to make the argument that if there are inconsistencies of plot then there could also be inconsistencies of character as well.

Then we need to go back to the original questions. First, is Atticus a racist? Atticus did go to a KKK meeting once “to find out exactly what men in town were behind the masks.” I don’t think this makes Atticus a racist given the time and the cultural context. I don’t think that going to the Citizen’s Council meeting inherently makes Atticus a racist. I do, however, believe that the way he talks about the backwardness of the African American population is racist, and it is the more dangerous type of racism. It is a superiority complex, and as Scout puts it in the book, it is “denying that they are human.” Now, we need to discuss how does that change our reading of TKAM? I am not sure that it has to change our reading of TKAM given the other inconsistencies in the book. This might sound like a cop-out, but since other plot points do not perfectly align, we have to take GSAW with a grain of salt.

I could end my argument there, but I would further argue that this shock at Atticus’ racism and the wrestling with what to do with it is the very point of the novel. Lovers of TKAM are just like Scout Finch who have come home to find their father is not the icon that we have made him out to be. He is a human. As Uncle Jack puts it, “[…] when you were grown, totally unknown to yourself, you confused your father with God. You never saw him as a man with a heart, and a man’s failings […].” Perhaps we as a society have done the same for our beloved fictional character Atticus Finch. He is a man, and he makes mistakes. His mistakes don’t undermine the truth he teaches in To Kill a Mockingbird, “You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view [. . .] until you climb into his skin and walk around in it.”

God Bless America

I am late in posting this blog, but I wrote it during my summer in the US.

After three weeks of being in the US, I am in a bit of honeymoon stage. While I do have a few minor grievances, which will be discussed at the end of this blog, for the most part I love America right now, and I will tell you why.

1)   Wide Open Green Spaces

Even in the nation’s capital, there are beautiful open green spaces, and people are allowed to walk on them. People can play Frisbee. People can have picnics. At the same time, people are respectful of these green spaces. People used the sidewalks except for when they were using the grassy spaces for other purposes.

2)   General Friendliness and Kindness

I have found Americans to be very kind and courteous. For example, I was in a DC metro station just before a Nationals game (the DC baseball team). It was pure madness and yet organized and fun. Everyone was laughing and taking about how awkwardly packed it was. It was packed; it was as bad if not worse than I have experienced in Beijing. We were skin to skin with everyone around us, but it was kind of fun. There was a blind man who was trying to get on the subway at the same time we were there, and he was a little nervous trying to get onto the subway since it was so crowded. He had a guide dog, but with so many people, it was hard for him. Everyone was encouraging him and helping to get onto the subway. It filled my heart with hope. Looking at the news, it looks like most Americans are violent, angry people, but these people are in actuality the minority. When you look at your average Joe, I think most Americans are friendly people who care about their neighbors.

3)   Blue Skies

I can’t get over how beautiful the skies are. I keep on talking about it and taking pictures of it.

4)   Clean Water

This is still a little bit weird for me, but the water in my bathroom is just as clean as the water in my kitchen. I don’t have to waste money on bottled water; I can just turn on the faucet. I was at a hotel on my road trip, and I was looking around for the complementary bottled water, and then I realized that I could just drink water from the sink. Wow!

5)   Customer Service

I went to a store to buy something, and the tag was ripped, so it could not be scanned. It was the only one, so the cashier had no way of figuring out how much the item was supposed to cost. Instead of saying there’s no solution, the cashier apologized for the trouble and gave me the item for the price of a similar item. Also, at stores, the workers make small talk with customers and offer to help. At the same time when you say you don’t need anything, they leave you alone and just let you look.

My Minor Grievances

1)   Ice in Already Cold Water

The water comes out of the faucet cold, and then you make it colder with ice. It is painfully cold.

2)   Fear of Being Sued

I forgot to bring extra contacts back to the US with me. While I was planning on going to the eye doctor, I did not have time to go to the eye doctor before going on my road trip. I went to two different Walmarts asking if I could buy just one pair of contacts and I was told that I could not. Contacts are considered a medicine, so I can’t buy just one for me to get through my two week trip. This is ridiculous.

3)   Too Much Meat, Not Enough Vegetables

One day on my travels, I realized that I went one whole day without any vegetables. My body can’t handle that. I can’t handle the amount of meat that Americans eat. One day on my travels, I was so in need of vegetables that I went to McDonalds for a salad, and while it was enjoyable, it was the opposite of what I actually wanted – some lettuce with my chicken as opposed to some chicken with my lettuce.

4)   Consumerism (This grievance was add after coming back to China)

It is so easy to get caught up in the “I want,” “I need,” or “I have to have” that comes from living in a country that has so much wealth. When I was in the US this summer, I saw how appealing it is to live in the US. I wanted the convenience of an American life. I wanted the “American Dream.” I came back to China, and I saw how much stuff I have and how much stuff I brought back with me, and I was both frustrated with myself for my excessive waste and also justifying myself. I don’t have any conclusions or solutions, but I recently read this blog post, and I think it is very relevant to these thoughts: http://www.alifeoverseas.com/when-you-realize-you-are-privileged/

A Review of the Books I’ve Read Spring Break 2015

Climbing the Stairs by Padma Venkatraman

This book is about a young girl Indian girl living in British occupied India in the 1940s. Vidya loves reading and learning, and while other girls her age are preparing for marriage, she dreams of going to college. Tragedy strikes her family, making her dreams seem impossible. Will she be able to overcome the obstacles in front of her? 

After going to India, this was an insightful look at culture and a particular time period that has shaped modern India. I learned a great deal about Hinduism and the caste system of India. The book is a young adult novel and quite predictable, but it was well-written and the story is interesting.

Harvest of Rubies by Tessa Afshar 

Sarah is the cousin of Nehemiah (as in the prophet in the Bible). She is well-educated and respected as the scribe to the queen, but then she is forced into an arranged marriage with a man who want nothing to do with her. Will they grow to love each other?

I will start off by saying that I am generally skeptical of Christian Fiction, but I had high hopes for this book since the author has an MDiv from Yale. I appreciated her good use of vocabulary and vivid descriptions. I really liked the character of Sarah and I could relate to her struggle with finding her value in what she does rather than who she is. I read other reviews that said Sarah’s complete lack of feminine qualities seemed unrealistic, and I would agree on that point. My other frustration with the book is that there is a sequel. I don’t feel like the book needs a sequel. The author only needed to add one or two more chapters to tie up a few loose ends. That being said I still really enjoyed the book, and I plan to read the second one.

Pearl in the Sand by Tessa Afshar

This is a fictionalized retelling of the story of Rahab (from the book of Joshua in the Bible). However, this story’s main focus is on the relationship between Rahab and Salmone.

I have read Unashamed by Francine Rivers, which is her take on Rahab, and I found some personally meaningful theological points in that novella. However, I felt like her Rahab was a little too much of a goody-goody. I found the Rahab in this book much more realistic. Also, this is a book of more than 300 pages, so the author has more time to develop the characters and the plot. Furthermore, Unashamed does not focus as much on the love story between Rahab and Salmone.

Now to focus on Pearl in the Sand. There are some wonderful quotes in the book, and I loved to see the characters growth in the novel. I feel like the author had good insight into the difficulties that Rahab and Salmone would face. Personally, Salmone was not the type of man I would want to marry (I found him too aggressive), but I think that might be my modern Western mind passing judgment on an ancient Middle Eastern culture. And Salmone was not all bad; he was instrumental in bringing healing to Rahab, and I really appreciated the conversations between them pertaining to her past. I think that this book could be both really good and really hard for someone who has experienced abuse. 

For both books by Tessa Afshar, I would not necessarily recommend them for teenagers. They weren’t inappropriate, but they dealt with content and issues that most teenagers are not ready to handle. They could read them, but not necessarily fully appreciate them.

The Incorrigible Children of Ashton Place (Books One and Two) By Maryrose Wood

“Of especially naughty children, it is sometimes said: ‘They must have been raised by wolves.’ The Incorrigible children actually were.” Now, Fifteen-year-old Penelope Lumley, a recent graduate of Swanburne Academy for Poor Bright Females, has been given the task of civilizing and educating the children.

These books are light-hearted, fun, and intelligently written. They remind me of The Series of Unfortunate Events as the writing style is similar to that of Lemony Snicket. However, I did not feel like the writing was so similar that Maryrose Wood was copying Lemony Snicket. The writing has its own voice, and I love the inclusion of literary allusions. This book would be such a fun read aloud book to young children, but at the same time it has humor (though not inappropriate humor) that only adults will appreciate. 

India

India. How do I turn a two-week, life-changing experience into a single blog post? First, I think that it would good for you to have some idea of our schedule.

9:00 10:15-12:15 1:00 2:00-5:00 6:00-7:30ish 8:00ish 9:00ish

Breakfast Teaching students (During the two weeks, I taught English to students grade or standard 3-9) Lunch Two different teacher-training sessions (The first one was department specific and the second was the whole group) Devotions with the hostel children – those who live at the school Dinner Team meeting

Since I can’t fit two whole weeks into a blog post I will just list the top five highlights.

1.  Our team. Even though we came from five different schools in five different cities, we really clicked. We worked well together and were able to collaborate on the teacher trainings. I feel like I was stretched and grew as a teacher because I was able to work with these other teachers and bounce ideas off of them. I also think that I have formed friendships that will last despite living far away from each other.
2.  Being stretched to break out of my normal comfort zone. I was stretched in multiple ways on this trip. First of all, I taught students grades 3-9. I have never taught below seventh grade aside from a summer camp type setting. It was fun to prepare lessons and think about teaching from a different perspective. I also had several experienced elementary teachers who helped me in preparing and editing my lessons.
3.  A break from technology. The classroom had electricity most of the time but certainly did not have projectors and computers, so we pretty much depended on a black board and chalk, and in fact, it was wonderful. Sometimes we are so dependent on technology that it gets in the way of good teaching. I think this aspect of the trip challenged me to try to have more technology-free lessons. We also only had limited access to the internet, which was nice. I often get so caught up with facebook, skype, and movies that I forget to invest in the people who are right next to me. It was nice to not have that distraction on the trip.
4.  Spending time at a community center. We had one day off because it was a Hindu holiday. That day we went to two different poor communities and did some songs and skits at their community centers. It was really cool to see the different types of ministries that were going on, and it was fun to play with the kids. I was very encouraged by all that was being done to holistically transform a community.
5.  Getting to know the hostel girls. Each night we had devotions with the hostel girls and we created small groups so that we could discuss the devotion after it had been presented. This was a great time to get to know the girls and to speak truth into their lives.

"Home" for Christmas

This is my first time “home” for Christmas since moving to China. In many ways, it feels so normal. It is normal to eat dinner with my family and play games with them. At the same time so many things have changed. My sisters, who were 12 and 18 when I moved to China are 17 and 22, have grown up and changed so much. My brother was not home for Christmas. Friends around me have gotten married, had babies, and moved away. And I’ve changed. It's hard to put into words all the ways that I have changed, but there are a few concrete ways that I can identify.

1)   I don’t want to wear shoes in the house. Growing up, unless our shoes were muddy we would wear shoes in the house. However, now when I walk in the door, I take my shoes off and put on slippers just like I would do if I were “home.”

2)   The US is so cold! Or China is so hot! I don’t know which one. In China, even in the winter, I hardly ever wear sweaters and sweatshirts. It is not that China (at least where I live in China) is actually warmer, but the heat is so warm, and I have basically no control over the heat. In the US, we have a great deal of control over the heat; it is expensive, so we keep the house at a cooler temperature. Also, I imagine a house that over 50 years old is harder to keep warm than an apartment that is less than a decade old.

Now I remember why I used to constantly drink tea, and I don’t feel such a need now. I mean I do enjoy a cup of tea every once in a while, but it is more out of comfort than necessity (this is a slight exaggeration; it’s not THAT cold).

3)   On the topic of cold, I don’t know why Americans drink ice water in the middle of winter. I mean during the summer, I, like a good red, white, and blue-blooded American, drink ice water even in China. But if it is winter and I am cold, I do not want to drink ice water. I do not even want to drink the water without ice. It’s too cold!

4)   On a similar note, it is a bit weird to drink water from the tap though we have good tasting tap water.

5)   I keep using tissues instead of napkins. In China, you can buy napkins, but they are not as readily available as tissues. We generally only use napkins when we have guests. On normal days we just use tissues. Also the fact that I say tissues instead of Kleenex is also something that has changed. I guess tissues is just more universal.

6)   Americans eat so much dairy! I don’t know if it is just because I don’t eat that much dairy in China and so I am eating it more, but I have been eating so many dairy products. In China, you can get dairy products, and I eat yoghurt every morning for breakfast, but things like sour cream are a special treat. I can pretty much get most dairy products I want, but they are expensive. Therefore, dairy becomes a special treat, which is probably healthier anyways. My stomach is not used to all this dairy.

7)   On the topic of food, I don’t know if it is the richness of American food or what, but my appetite has diminished significantly. I don’t feel like my diet in China is all that different. I also feel like I eat a fair amount. However, for whatever reason I can’t eat the portions that my family eats.

I am sure there are more things that I could come up with, but this is what I have so far. The thing is this whole concept of home. A wise person told me before I moved to China that living in China made her realize that this earth is not her home. I have clung to this truth the past few years. I may change and do silly things like drink hot water and use tissues instead of napkins, but that doesn't really change who I am. As the Father has been reminding me time and time again. I am a child of the one true king and this earth is not my home.

人山人海 (People Mountains, People Sea)

A few weekends ago, a friend asked me to go hiking with her at a Mountain called Fragrant Hill. I was looking forward to spending some time with friends and being one with nature. What I did not realize was that I would be one with nature with about a million other people. Thus, titling this blog post人山人海. The literal translation of this Chinese idiom means people mountains, people sea. It means something along the lines of people as far as the eye can see.

We started off the day early, leaving our apartment complex around 6 am in order to get to the train station before 7. We had a good group of people with us, 14 in total, so we waited for everyone to get to the train station. We got our tickets and hopped on the fast train to Beijing. The fact that we were actually going into Beijing should have tipped me off that I would not have the serene experience with nature that I had envisioned. For some reason had it in my head that we were not going into the city, but that we would be going some place outside the city. I was wrong.

Once at the Beijing train station, we bought our return tickets to guarantee our seat home. We bought tickets for around 3:20, thinking that would give us enough time to hike, eat lunch, and return to the train station. Then off we went on the subway to the northern part of Beijing.

 Waiting in line for the bus

Up until this point in the trip everything had gone according to plan. However, when we got off the subway, things began to change. It was pure madness as we waited for a bus. Literally hundreds of people were waiting in line. And yes, I did say line. There were people shouting at us in Chinese corralling us into lines as we waited for the right bus. Once the bus came along, the herders would shove as many people as possible onto the bus. We were not fortunate to get a seat on a bus, but we were lucky to be right by the door, so we had a bit more space than those sardined down the aisles.

The stop and go traffic and the heat of the many people plus the several layers of clothes made the bus ride rather unpleasant, but being with a good group of friends made up for the discomfort. After what seemed like hours of sitting in traffic, we asked the bus driver to open the door so that we could just walk the rest of the way.

As we walked to toward the mountain, nature began to call to me, and I need to make a “quick” pit stop. The problem was there was quite a line, and this would be far from a quick stop. I will not go into the details of facilities, but I believe I now have a new worst bathroom ever experience.

With the line for the bus, the bus ride itself, the wait for the restroom, and the walk to the mountain, we arrived much later than anticipated. We realized that we would have to choose between hiking up the mountain (the whole point of our trip) and making our train on time. Since we could exchange our tickets once at no cost to us, we decided to hike up the mountain.  To make things more interesting, our group somehow got split up, so some people ended up at the east entrance to the mountain and some ended up the south entrance. The plan was to hike up the mountain and meet each other at the top.

The hike seemed never ending. Plus we had not eaten lunch, and it was around 2. There were so many people on the mountain that we had traffic jams of people. As I walked I watched in envy as the people serenely took the cable cars up the mountain, vowing to myself that I would not walk down the mountain but that I would take the cable car. Honestly, at this point of the trip, I had a bad attitude. Things had not gone according to plan, and I had not wanted to be gone the whole day.

Our group at the top of the mountain

Once we got to the top, we enjoyed the view, met up with the rest of our group, and took some group photos. I assumed that everyone would want to take the cable cars down, but only my co-workers college roommate whose English name is Jade wanted to go with me. So she and I planned to take a cable car together. However, we were told that we would have to wait in line for an hour and a half to take the cable car, so we decided to just give up and walk down. The rest of the group had already started down the mountain, so I ended up walking down the mountain with my co-workers college roommate who barely spoke English. This was my favorite part of the trip. We ended up speaking in Chinese the entire walk down the mountain. Now, my Chinese is not all that good, but with her limited English, my limited Chinese, hand gestures, and dictionaries on our phones, we were able to communicate. Often times, I find trying to communicate in Chinese incredibly stressful, but Jade had the type of personality that could make friends with anyone. She was bubbly and friendly, and she made me comfortable enough to speak my broken Chinese with her.

Somehow, we made it down the mountain before the rest of the group, so we bought some street food and waited for them to come down.

 10羊肉串 (Lamb Meat on a Stick) for 10 Kuai ($1.50)

Then the madness of getting back to the Beijing train station began. We walked, took bus, and then took a subway to get to there. On the subway, my second favorite part of the day happened. There was a little girl who stood next to us and she had a little musical toy, so I sang and played with her until she got off.

Once at the Beijing train station, we exchanged our tickets and got some food while we waited for our train. Then we went to wait in line for our train. There was the moment of panic when we realized that the line we were waiting in was for the next train and that we should have boarded the train already, but never fear, we made it on the train.

So our plan of hopefully being home by 4:30 did not happen. We walked into our apartment around 9pm. I am glad for experience and the cool interactions that I got to have with some people. I’m glad that I did it once. Key word being once.